This past weekend, someone that I consider to be one of my very best friends let me down in a big, big way. My friend Annie, who I haven't seen in person for over 4 years even though we speak regularly on the phone, and who I miss very much, was in Evansville, Indiana. She was there for 3 days. Evansville is only a little more than an hour from here, but she didn't call me. Why? I don't know. I only found out that she was there by accident--I called to speak to her and got her husband, who was sorry that I spoiled the surprise. He was expecting her to call me. He told me to wait, and to act surprised when she called. I would have been more than willing to drive to see her, even if it would have only been for a few hours. I still haven't heard from her, and she was supposed to be back home in Northern Illinois on Sunday. I am disappointed, and sad.

One of my other very best friends, (who, coincidentally, also lives in Illinois) is planning on being in the area this weekend--within an hour or two of here. We see each other maybe once a year, and I miss him terribly. We exchanged e-mails late last week making tentative plans to get together either Thursday or Friday. I told him that I needed to know something by today (Tuesday) in order to make arrangements with work and with the babysitter. Have I heard from him? Of course not. He's not returned my e-mails or my phone calls. He's avoiding me, the same way he always does when he's needing to tell me something that I don't want to hear. I guess I won't be seeing him this weekend, either.

I don't have many good friends. I'm a firm believer in the fact that friendships need to grow, and it takes time to grow good ones. Time and effort. I do have many casual acquaintances, but not alot of good friends.

I am a great friend to have. I will help you study for a test, or write a paper. I will help you paint your house, or help you move. I will crochet you a baby blanket when you have a baby, and I'll throw you a baby shower, too. I'll frame one of my photographs as a housewarming gift for you, no matter how many times you move into a new home. I'll watch your kids, for free, any time. I'll keep your dog while you're on vacation. I'll drive hours, just to say hello. I'll drive hours, just to attend your kid's birthday party. I'll come pick you up when your car won't start, even if I'll be late for work (and I hate to be late). I always answer the phone, or return calls or e-mails. I will loan you my truck, or my car, or my clothes, or my tools. I'll dig you flowers out of my yard. I will do all that for you and more, and all you have to do is ask (and sometimes you don't even have to ask--I'll offer!) if you are my friend.

I have discovered, though, that friendship to me does not have the same meaning that it has to many people. So many people will take and take and take from you but when the time comes that you need something back they disappear. Friendship to many people seems to mean the occasional phone call, a lunch here and there, get together when you can and hey, if you need help I'll help you out--if it's convenient for me. Some people are friends, real true friends for the moment, but they just don't want to put any effort into keeping it that way. It's easier to just let it go then to argue with the traffic or the miles or the wife or whatever it is that's keeping you apart.

I think I'm going to stop making the effort. Because I'm pretty sure my effort is what's keeping these friendships alive in the first place. And if I put all that effort into making and keeping my family and friends that are here happy and healthy we might all be alot better off.

Of course, if they call I'm here. I'm not giving up. I'm not just going to try so hard anymore. I need to see that I mean as much to them as they mean to me.